I guess this’ll teach me not to read “The Invisibles” and “The Lathe of Heaven” simultaneously while having an existential crisis.
The language is always going to be an issue. As I learned from The Invisibles, we’ve only been taught half the letters of the true alphabet. This entire experience is created in language and there are things I have no words for. Continue reading →
The thing about existential crises is that they are so subjective. It feels so useless to attempt to explain my current experience.
I’ve never felt so lost before, so disconnected. I feel like I’ve fallen through the cracks of reality and I’ve become a stranger to humans. I don’t see how anyone has gone this long without being astonished at how absurd and arbitrary everything appears. Continue reading →
[I originally posted this on Facebook, but I also want it recorded here.]
First of all, this is a genuine inquiry on a fundamental human level. Not an intellectual exercise, not a platform for theological discourse, but a sincere examination of something that spins constantly in my mind. Secondly, I am not here to indite your beliefs or ask you to defend anything you believe. I do, however, want you to explain *why* you believe. Honestly, as a human being. Continue reading →
In which our protagonist attempts to summarize noteworthy events of the past several months.
I took improv classes for four months. Discovered I was funny without trying to be. Improv is hard because you’re not supposed to think about anything, and I’m, well, me. The improv scene is as cliquish and dramatic and jargony and strategic as the slam poetry scene. I don’t fit in to scenes. Continue reading →
My project to slough off all the excess stuff in my life continues.
My music collection has been digital for years, save for a few collectibles and albums by friends. I’ve gotten my DVD collection down to about 17 boxes. Out of print films that you can’t get on Netflix. So I’m no longer buying movies of the common variety.
I don’t have very many video games either. When I finish a game or get bored with it, I sell it. I just signed up for GameFly, so I will never buy another video game unless it falls into the small, evergreen category where Rock Band resides.
Movies and games are both heading into an all-digital delivery system. There are many reasons for this, but a big one for the publishers is that the secondhand market will die. You can’t resell your digital copy of The Dark Knight to someone on Amazon. GameStop will eventually become a store for classic used games from the 2000s. One day it will seem ridiculous that digital information was bonded to physical platters and cartridges.
I’ve thinned down my book collection to two small book shelves. As I finish books, I’ll sell them to Half Price Books or give them away. Again, I’m only going to be purchasing hard to find items or books which make practical sense to own. I converted a majority of my Amazon book wish list over to a reading list for my brand new account at the Austin Public Library system. Holy shit, is this a slick operation! The online catalog system is robust. I can have books held and delivered to my local branch. I only stumped the system once or twice whilst searching for graphic novels. Their collection of every series I care about is comprehensive. They even had a copy of the out of print Encyclopedia of Fantastic Victoriana, which is basically steampunk porn. All for free. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Also, if there is a Kindle version of a book available, I’ll buy that over the dead tree version. The Kindle iPhone app is actually pretty great and I’ve been enjoying 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea on it.
The board game collection remains pretty large. I’ll probably thin it down over the course of a few years, getting rid of the so-so games, keeping only the ones I truly love.
I’ve also been untethering my online life. I’ve moved more and more documents up into the cloud so I can access them from anywhere. I stopped using desktop clients for mail, scheduling, spreadsheets, and twittering. It’s all web-based now. I can do all of my communication from anywhere. It feels good to shut my computer down when I’m done working instead of having to check in on it for new messages.
My iPhone is proving more and more invaluable. Today I set up a wireless storage app so I can keep my writing and important documents backed up on a password protected micro web server. It’s like having a magic extradimensional 16GB pocket I can reach into at any time.
When I can afford it, I’ll probably replace my computer with a laptop. I like the idea of being able to grab a backpack and take off, bringing my entire world with me.
I feel lighter.
Writing it down doesn’t matter so much any more, but I keep doing it for some reason. Perhaps it is an X on a tree I’m passing, so if I see another X I will recognize the path.
I’ve discovered that describing what is happening to me only makes it worse and is sometimes actually harmful. So let’s just say I am discontented on a deep, fundamental level. And I am alone in this. It is something for me to figure out on my own.
There is nothing to be understood here. It has been my experience that people want to do or say something to “make it better”. If you wonder if there is something you can do: you are already doing it. I have already made arrangements with you, but you may not have recognized them as such.
Trust me, you are all doing a fantastic job.
I just realized that the main reason I still have DVDs and books is so that other people can look at them and make a judgment about how awesome I am. They are decorative. This is the age of Netflix and Amazon. I don’t need all those things taking up space. Rare is the time when I absolutely must watch a particular film immediately. And being such a slow reader, I doubt I will be re-reading anything any time soon.
So I’m going to liquidate all my DVDs and books that aren’t rare or hard to get. I’m tired of dragging them around. If people need to know the movies and books I like, they can check any number of online sources.
Recently I was forwarded this video about the exponential growth of information technology. One of the facts presented in the video is that “It is estimated that 4 exabytes (4.0×10^19) of unique information will be generated this year. That is more than the previous 5,000 years.” My first reaction was, “Wow, that is a lot of data.” Today I thought, “What does that even mean?” What qualifies as “unique information”? A blog post? A novel? Who is quantifying it? And how? Do they mean more than the previous 5000 years combined? Or more information per year on average? Continue reading →
Sigh. I haven’t been posting much as I haven’t had anything post worthy. I have lots of random thoughts and strange dreams I could chronicle, but I haven’t thought “Ah, I must blog about this.”
Lately I’ve been dealing with a malaise that descends when I have no creative project to set my mind to. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing right now. So I begin to ponder my accomplishments and evaluate what I have to show for myself. This leads to existential angst about what truly matters and why is it important to do anything at all. Makes it hard to motivate oneself to start creative projects.
And I’m lonely. The kind of loneliness that becomes more pronounced around other people. I’ve realized that my desire to be understood is actually a desire to be accepted. The core issues, the deep personal dilemmas, the things I felt needed to be understood in order to “get” me, are actually things you’d have to be me to understand. After exhausting my emotional energy over and over explaining my world view and creating only a deeper rift, I think I’d rather just be accepted for who I am.
And I’m losing hope. It’s like there’s this root network that permeates the foundation of my interactions, creating an amalgam of information that all speaks of hoplessness. So I will read a Twitter post about someone getting Starbuck’s and it resonates with a meme of despair I see unfolding. I’m doubting what I’ve thought true about people. More and more I am expecting failure and disappointment as the status quo. Giving people the benefit of the doubt seems more and more irrational.
I walked outside, carrying my laundry basket and it hit me. The wind was blowing and a cat romped in the vibrant green grass and it astonished me. For just a moment I had it. I knew that being alive was enough and the simplicity of existence was something I had unlearned. Every other meaning, every desperate grasp at what I thought was important, was something I had grafted on to life. I felt a heart inside the thing I called my heart. A secret heart that could barely take in the fact that trees exist.
And then it was gone and I had to do my laundry.